02 :: Learning to Love My Broken Body

December is right around the corner and it has me thinking about about my yoga practice. It’s nearly ten yers since I started practicing Bikram Yoga and I still hear a voice telling myself that I haven’t practiced hard enough. It is a silly thought that worms its way into my thoughts whenever my lower back is sore. If you have been working harder, your body would be feeling better.

Three years ago my body failed me. Pain was radiating from my lower back, all the way down to my left toe. It was unyielding. CT scans revealed that I had two herniated intervertebral disks and the protrusions were pressing against my sciatic nerve. I was put on bed rest and was told that if peed or pooped myself that I would need an emergency surgery to fix the problem.

I was scared, sad, and angry.

I realized that even though I had maintained a diligent yoga practice, it was not an honest one. I would push through pain sensations in order to get deeper into a posture. I thoroughly believed that if I could get myself into the final position that it would be proof that I had a healthy body. I learned the hard way that this was not true, if anything, I was creating more dissonance in my body.

When I was able to return my practice my approach to the twenty-six postures and two breathing exercises changed completely. Instead of pushing through the pain, I was exploring it. The moment I felt any sharp pain I would back off a little bit and allow my breath to feel where these sensations lived in my body. I was learning that mindful movement was more important then what my postures looked like in the mirror. I was teaching myself patience and most importantly I was learning to love my broken body.